LANDING: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't
the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said
the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY.
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has
landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us
today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling
luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain
seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at
SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage."

Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling
around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles
per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what
speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! You
need to get off my back, man!"